“Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed-Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been”
Marcus Aurelius
As a parent, I have learned that our children often respond to their own pain and injury based on how we react. This is why it is so important that we are measured in how we react when our kid comes up to us after a bad bike wreck. If we freak out they freak out and if we stay calm they are more than likely to stay calm as a result.
Think about how much effort we exhaust trying to distract our kids from the pain of an approaching needle for a shot. How often do we preface things with, “…this won’t hurt a bit?”
As parent we try to move our child’s mindset away from pain.
Why is it as adults we abandon this technique and often embrace and prolong unnecessary pain?
Present Focused
We are often more mature in how we handle our physical pain versus emotional pain. For instance we can stub our toe, briefly freak out but keep on moving, however if someone says something negative about us it can cripple us for weeks.
Experience has taught us that stubbing a toe, while painful, is not a career ending injury. We deal with the pain and move one, yet if we learn that someone has said something negative about us our minds don’t have a clear picture of where this will lead. We tell ourselves stories.
Is this the end of my career?
People will think I am awful.
There go my friends.
The self-pity spiral goes into full swing.
We are allowing ourselves to be harmed by something that really shouldn’t harm us.
Worst Case Scenario
We often trend towards the worst-case scenario. With physical pain we have a reference. You break a leg; you know you will be in a cast for some amount of time. We typically all know of someone who has broken a bone at some point in their life.
Unfortunately, our society does not allow folks to wear their emotional or psychological pain on their sleeves. So, while we may be dealing with the sudden loss of a job, a toxic boss, relationship troubles, we often feel isolated and like we are the only ones. Typically, you can see someone’s physical scars, but you can’t see their emotional ones.
This creates an environment of isolation and the tendency to tell yourself that you are the only one have ever been harmed this way.
Don’t Choose Harm
The good thing about emotional pain versus physical pain is that we do have a choice in how we accept the harm. When you break your leg you really don’t have a choice on how this harms you, you know a cast and crutches are in your future.
If you lose your job, you have a lot of control over how much harm you are going to let into your life. If you are in a toxic relationship, you have a choice over how much harm you are going to allow.
Just like Marcus Aurelius says, “Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed.”
This does not mean that some events in your life are going to be absolutely devastating and bring you to your knees. You are going to experience the emotional equivalent of a broken leg quite often however, you have the choice of how long you are going to stay in a cast.
Focus on Your Mindset
Unfortunately, the world is full of people who have chosen to be harmed. These people are miserable and often try to transfer that harm over to you.
Don’t give them the satisfaction. Keep moving onward and upward.
“…Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been”
It’s your choice